My grandmother from my mothers side was a woman a bit larger then life. May god rest her plenty soul but she was oversized in almost everything. Lots of parties, lots of food, possibly many men and lots of work too. She was dominating the area she occupied and the apartment next door too. Flies, mosquitos and all other insects were trying to fly absolutely straight when she was around.
Many summers during the 80’s I’ve spend in a village located in an island where my grandparents used to run a shop with gifts and souvenirs for tourists. The village was practically not existing on the map at the early 80’s but 20 years later became, and still is, a world known attraction. Prestigious hotels and luxury yachts there now, fish boats and bicycles then.
Almost first of anything happened to me at that village. First time to ride a motorcycle, first time to smoke, first time to drink and get drunk, sleep out in the open, stay late in discos and bars, make all sorts of damages, play football from dusk till dawn, order and pay for my self and others, order and not pay and many-many more. I was 13.
So Lisa spotted me and on a Tuesday noon I found my self and Lisa on my granmothers bed, under the sheets, trying to take off my pants and shivering. She was already naked and waiting for me, she was 15. I never realized how I suceed to get there, I never had sucess with girls and later on women. She to get me in bed was more easy that me to get her on a bicycle. And that’s how it was for me ever since.
For example, after a few drinks in a bar a woman might asked me, “so, do you live near by” for me to answer a simple yes or no, depending on where I was, without to take this opportunity any further. So since I was like this during my 30’s I cant remember how to I succeed to get Lisa in bed when I was 13, but I remember she spotted me. And something like this happened many times in the future.
Because this kind of a man I turned out to be over the years. A woman after sending a ton of messages which of course I could read none, she would finally asked me “would you fuck me?” for me only to reply “are you sure?”.
So I am almost there, pants off, my body on top of hers she is taller than me. Not sure if she is waiting for me or me waiting for her. Tension, desire, fear are somehow mixed with short breaths and summer sweat. First time I touch and see a girl’s body naked, first time to smell the sweat and touch her between the legs.
Besides smoking, drinking and ordering, my grandmothers hospitality is ready to offer me access to this famous new world all young boys are wondering when and how they will enter.
Comparing with all my friends I ‘m first. No one has ever mentioned a similar situation to me or others. Was 1983 and sex at this age was not a possibility as it is now or as it became after. I am ready to become a man, Lisa looks gorgeous, she wants me, the pillow looks gorgeous, the mattress definitely is, breathing is heavy, planet earth and mother life are about to reveal a whole new universe to me…is a vivid dream I am into…
After this momentarily high peak of my emotions last thing I remember is my grandmother’s angry face and terrible screaming as she unexpectedly entered her room. Her gigantic arm griped and lifted me over Lisa’s terrified face and almost threw me out of the room. A few slaps here and there, one or two kicks in the ass, many swears to me and her and that was it. The glorious entering of young John in the marvelous world of sexual experience was brutally ended.
Marika was the name of my grandmother and the spell she threw me on that day lasted for long seven years. I had to become 20 before another girl took off her clothes and lied down to wait for me.
The night it finally happened my grandfather died. Go figure.
Things are ruined, debts, problems, documents, lawyers. My mother had a freaky accident a few weeks back and we dont how and if she will ever recover.
No light insight, darkness around.
We barely have enough to make the day and need to find solutions for all sort of problems and issues and dead ends. Disappointed and desperate, dont know where I am standing and there’s nothing to compare my situation with.
All of my friends are living normal lives, some are married with children, some will. I am feeling cursed. I cant see tomorow coming, I cant bare today to end. I can not even imagine that there will ever be, a way out of it.
I am living with Katerina in a rented apartment, she knows there are problems but she does not know the full scale of them, I am ashamed to say. She looks more and more sceptical for us, you see, she is the daughter of public serveants and she is working in a bank. What can be more stable and more opposite than my situation? I think nothing.
I spend months in misery trying to find the way and the courage to tell her the truth, to say that, there was a house that I was owning but is gone, the bank took it. There was a life but is destroyed, there was a clear future but became unclear. She feels the tense, she lives the problem but she is not aware of everything. So until I find the way to say the things as they are, she asked me to seperate. She actually said, “I can see that you have a lot of issues and it will take you time to get out of them“. Which was true.
I felt sad but relieved also. She put me out of my misery. “Where to, she asked?“, “I ll go to my house for a while” I said. There was no house anymore, but she did not knew it.
I packed all my belongings in my red Nisssan Cherry, I kissed her good bye and I set off, destination unknown. Finally my oldest friend and his wife took me in for some time.
Few months passed, nothing really changed. My red Nissan Cherry became a green VW Polo with broken lights and no wipers. Summer heat and dust and nothing seems to last, nothing makes a sense, I just try to get by. I expect nothing, I ask nothing, what comes, comes. That’s how it is. I started a side job in order to cover my expenses and was still going every morning to our family buisiness. I succed to move in a house, no heating or electrical apppliances but a back yard with a pomegranate tree was a nice touch.
The days and the weeks and the months and the hours and the minutes and the seconds cause no change, bring no news, give no solutions. I am suffocating but to whom to say? Each one has a life, each one has issues. I count the hours and the drachmas side by side.
So is Friday afternoon and I am stucked in traffic, stoped in a traffic light, my front windscreen is so dirty and dusty, I feel my life is the same, stoped, stucked and dusty.
All my welth is a 500 drachma note, equal to 1,5 euro today. That’s all I have and I ve got nothig to expect.
A young guy, age 12-13, who cleans windscreens at traffic lights, comes at my window and stares at me, “Can I ?” he asked, ” I aint got nothing to give” I replied, and I turned my face. But he aint leaving, I can still see him. He stares. And then the strangest thing happened. He put his right arm over my shoulders, his face came close to mine, he looked deep into my eyes and with the voice of an angel he said, “dont worry, I ll do it for you“. And he did.
He clean my windscreen while looking and smiling at me. I was not offered a singe thing over the last months, no one gave nothing, no one offered nothing and there he was, smiling at me, making my sight more clean, making my heart warm.
I left the traffic light with no money at all, I gave him my 500 drachma note but he gave me so much more. Help is coming when you are not expecting and from a tiny thing something big can happen and we are not alone, no we are not. Love and beauty is everywhere and as long as you are still breathing, anything goes.
I dont know if God excists, but human does.